As an employer, you may wish to introduce office pets to your workplace to take your employees’ minds off the horrible, dreary, underpaid drudgery of their pathetic existences.

One fantabulous animal to assist with your goal is a hamster.

These little monsters are ideally suited to maintenance within a cage. After which they’ll contribute salubrious cooing into your working environment from employees swooning in wonder at the fluffy one.

Hamsters at Work Employment Laws

Much like hippopotamuses at work and great white sharks at work, hamsters bring with them an array of bafflingly overcomplicated legislation. These are as follows:

• Hamsters at Work Act 1974
• Maintaining Hamsters at Work Act 1974
• Suitable Cages for Hamsters at Work Act 1974
• Rodents at Work Act 1974
• Suitable Running Wheels for Hamsters at Work Act 1974
• Agreeable Amounts of Cooing at Hamsters at Work Act 1974
• Hamster Rights at Work Act 1974
• Pumpkin Seed Wage Act 1998
• Transfer of Undertakings (Protection of Nibbling) Regulations 2006
• Employment (Miscellaneous Hamster Provisions) Act 2018

Referring to the Hamsters at Work Act 1974, section 431 (g) on page 34,521 states:

“If you, the employer, therein, wish to maintain solitary burrowing rodents with short tails and large cheek pouches (i.e. hamsters) within your business premises for casual amusement amongst your workforce, this is attainable and pertainable under the Act that is this Act.”

In other words, you’re legally allowed to keep a furry little monster in your workplace. And to do so within a cage.

The reasons to keep a hamster for employees are as follows:

• To avoid existential or nihilistic despair.
• So they won’t pester you for pay rises (i.e. as a distraction technique).
• As you’re probably underpaying your staff so much most of them won’t be able to afford a hamster.
• To teach important life lessons about the awesome that is hamster.

In short, install one in your office with a fully integrated rodent package—cage, sphere, pumpkin seeds, resuscitation kit in the event of a fatal bite.

How to Keep Hamsters in Your Workplace

With regard to keeping office pets, you should refer to Richard Adam’s novel Watership Down for insights on how animals (probably) behave. Whilst the work isn’t specifically about hamsters, it is about rabbits (plus, there’s a seagull) with undertones of Nazism.

If that seems a bit too psychotic for cute, cuddly hamsters then perhaps get a copy of Hamster Monogatari 64 for the Nintendo 64. Play the game. Observe:

• “Natural” rodent behaviour in the title
• How the cages are maintained
• What buttons to press to feed your new pet

You may also want to take additional training with a Tamagotchi to comprehend the magnitude of what you have just done—you now own a hamster.

Whether you’ve got kids, run a business, or just pick your nose for a living, looking after a hamster requires a different type of personal resolve. You’ll need:

• Heroism
• Determination
• Emotional intelligence
• Loyalty
• Courage
• Integrity
• Nerves of steel
• Humility
• Self-confidence
• Empathy
• Agreeableness

Basic levels of intelligence are also essential. If you can’t work out what a hamster is and think it’s, like, some sort of sentient brick covered in fur then you’re not a suitable employer to own one of these rodents.

However, if you have an IQ of at least 100 you’ll be A okay and you should rush forth into the street IMMEDIATELY to buy many hamsters.

FAQs About Hamsters at Work

Okay, so we’ve covered the key points. But what about some common questions human beings have about owning a rodent in an office? Here are some answers!

If the hamster bites me, will I die immediately?

Probably, yes! And what a noble way to bow out. Hamster teeth are as sharp as glass and can sever even the toughest of ligaments in seconds.

This is why the beasts are some of the most feared animals on the planet.

What food should we feed the hamster?

You can feed your new pet hamster food. Really, why are you too bloody stupid to work that one out for yourself?

Anyway, additional foodstuffs can include raw vegetables, nuts, and raisins. DO NOT try to feed your pet stuff like:

• Burgers
• Pizza
• Spaghetti bolognese
• Pot Noodle

The animal will reject the offering and will probably bite you into the bargain deal of its food-based rejection. You have been warned.

What happens if the hamster bites one of our stakeholders?

In the event a stakeholder is petting the adorable, cute hamster and it savages his/her hand then you should:

• Aggressively shove the stakeholder out of the way so as to ensure the hamster is all right.
• Ask the stakeholder what he/she bloody well thinks he or she is doing.
• Demand the stakeholder apologise to the hamster.
• Demand the stakeholder immediately leave the premises.
• Comfort the hamster and offer it raisins and treats.
• Ban stakeholders from your office indefinitely.

With the situation then under control, return your pet to its cage and allow it to go for a long and relaxing nap.

Meanwhile, encourage your employees to gather around its cage to genuflect and worship at the altar of the glorious rodent overlord now in control of your premises and livelihood.

Can I fire the hamster?

No, you may not fire the rodent. Under The Hamsters at Work Act 1974 it is forbidden to fire any pet rodent under your contract of employment.

Once the hamster gnaws on the contract then it’s legally binding. This means the little furry monster owns you, your business, and can have you dismissed from your lofty position as CEO in but the nibble of a pumpkin seed.

Indeed, and tragically, many a CEO has missed this legal loophole in the Act and found themselves as pathetic, lowly shelf stackers after being ousted by a cuddly hamster.

Truly, this is why the species is one of the most feared of all on planet Earth.