There comes a time in any human male’s life when he has a birthday (🎁). This is when it is the specific day from which he emerged into the world and ordered a pint of beer.

This is the INVERSE of the human male dilemma of what to buy his spoiled wife for Christmas.

Difficulties for the wife (human female) attached to the human male arise when pertaining to the need for acquiring physical attributes to hand over to the human male in order to slake societal needs to justify existence.

In other words, what are the best gift ideas for your husband? Let’s explore your options, ladies of the world!

The Best Gift Ideas for Man Blokes

Dear agony aunt,

It’s my husband’s 50th birthday next week. I love him so dearly (despite him being a bit, you know, annoying and gross), which requires me to get him a truly sublime birthday present.

Last year I got him a barrel of beer. He got drunk and had a verbal, then physical, battle with our neighbours.

Desiring to avoid such an outcome this time out, I’m reaching out to you for suggestions on what to get him on this big occasion. These are his hobbies:

• Drinking beer
• Eating full English breakfasts
• Twice a month he goes to the gym
• He collects beer bottle caps
• Work

As you can see, he leads quite the restricted and inane existence. I’m hoping you can come up with some ideas so he can, subsequently, justify himself before the eyes of God (in a decade or so) once he pops his clogs due to his poor diet.

Yours, Denise

Well hello there, Denise! How you doing? You okay? Watched Emmerdale Farm recently? How’s your new hairdo working out?

Okay, with the English pleasantries out of the way let’s be clear on this one. Not that we’re being overly judgmental, but your husband sounds like a lard arse philistine with limited interests and zero charisma.

He needs to shake up his existence beyond bacon.

As such, we recommend the following (admittedly a bit weird) gift ideas for your husband. Go nuts and buy plenty:

• A giraffe
• More than one giraffe
• 13 PlayStation 5 games consoles (and we mean 13, not just the one)
• A jacuzzi
• More than one jacuzzi (ideally get one jacuzzi for every room in your home)
• Many tubs of industrial grade bleach
• A gift that’s blatantly offensive (for example, a card inside which you write all his personality failings and why he’s a bastard)
• A small gift that’s wrapped up in at least 30 pieces of wrapping paper and with an impenetrable amount of sellotape, making it impossible for him to get into the thing
• A deeply effeminate gift, such as a beautiful bouquet of flowers or some bright pink hot pants
• Something really boring, such as a rock
  • Alternatives may include a pebble, small stone, grain of sand, clump of mud, or flecks of your dandruff
• A giant plunger
• The entire series DVD box set of Sex and the City
• The biggest block of cheese you can find
• A pet goat
  • TWO pet goats!!
  • THREE PET GOATS!!!
• A giant circular bollard for his man cave

We can also recommend an Obsidian Sphere for his man cave, but that’s because that’s one of our sponsors as we sold out as a journalistic entity many moons ago.

Anyway, take your pick from the above!

We’re bored now and can’t be bothered focussing any more attention onto this subject matter. He’s your husband, you figure it out!