As we all know, pizza at work is a tactic to brainwash employees. But did you know employers such as yourself can take that tactic a step further?!

Enter pizza parties!

These glorious occasions cost about £50 and are a great opportunity to celebrate business success stories, pocket a massive bonus, and fob off your staff with nothing else but high salt, trans fat, ultra-processed food to clog their arteries. It’s the glory of capitalism masquerading behind a gesture of good will. Here’s how to apply it your business strategy!

Obscure Reasons Why Pizza Parties Cover Off Bonuses, Salary Reviews, and Raises

The Pizza Parties at Work Act 1974 regulates this matter.

The Act wasn’t deployed very much until recent years, when employers realised they could skirt around pay rises with cheap gimmicks (another classic being ping-pong tables in the office).

As such, it’s good business practice to undermine your employees’ various efforts by regularly reminding them you offer them free pizza. To ensure you can announce this statement with confidence as fact, you must regularly engage in pizza parties. We recommend you run them fortnightly or monthly.

But don’t overdo it. For example, a daily pizza party is not only financially unviable, but will bore your fickle employees, make them gain a lot of weight, and leave them feeling bloated and lethargic.

Instead, to highlight the MAGNIFICENCE of your generosity, you should put up posters around your office to flag up the nature of these events, the fact they’re free, and that you host them often.

These are all superb tactics to create a weird sense of excessive gratefulness from members of staff, who’ll then feel less inclined to request a salary review—no matter how bad the cost of living or housing crises get!

For an employer, this is mana from business heaven.

How to Deploy an Effective Pizza Party Strategy

This is a complex undertaking that requires a phone, internet connection, and a menu. Bestowed with the power of (preferably) all three, you must:

1. Decide what toppings you want
   1. If anyone wants ham and pineapple topping banish them to the afterlife post haste
2. Ring the desired establishment and/or order online
3. Await the delivery

Whilst you await the delivery of the, aforementioned, food that is the opportunity to punish, without mercy, any employees whom requested ham and pineapple.

In the Event an Employee Overindulges During a Pizza Party

One of the most appalling consequences of a pizza party is if one employee (or more), as what is classed at such events, “Goes for it.” This means throwing caution to the wind and consuming as much pizza as they please, with little consideration for ensuring their colleagues have anything to eat.

These greedy bastards need putting in their place.

You, the employer, can do this in various ways. For example:

1. Using security guards to monitor your employees whilst they consume their free produce. If a delinquent is spotted breaking consumption rules, they can be tasered to the ground and dragged out of the office.
2. Monitor staff members as they consume the food. After the meal, review CCTV footage to determine if anyone had one slice too many. Once you’ve identified an offender, you can drag them before the boss. Gaze at them in contempt as they weep in a dismal attempt to explain themself. Have them fired as they grovel.

As per the, aforementioned, Act, you should establish a pizza party policy to ensure members of staff understand the full extent they can “enjoy” themselves during the event.

How to Write a Pizza Party Policy

Your policy should be as baffling and verbose as all the hundreds of others you have that are in place to make business working life as confusing as possible. You should list out chapters in your doctrine such as:

1. Prolixity heavy introduction
   1. E.g. “Hi, I’m your superior and boss. Ever since I was a child I always loved pizza. Perhaps that’s why I now weigh 35 stone today!” etc.
2. Chapter headings (to make this bit more authentic/interesting, splash tomato puree and toppings all over the policy page)
3. Pizza party rules
4. Guidelines
5. Legal disclaimers
6. Legal waivers
7. Long abusive rant about ham and pineapple toppings
8. Long and abusive rant about vegan alternatives
9. Volatile invective regarding employees who feel sleepy after the event
10. Detailing Medieval torture methods you’ll use on anyone found excessively consuming free pizza

You should establish that each employee can consume around FOUR slices per party. Any more, or less, is an insult to the employer (you) for hosting such a glorious occasion.

Also indicate in your policy that, although this is listed as a “party”, there will be NO alcohol present. Anyone seen consuming alcohol during or after the event will be tasered and dragged out of the office.

Indicate in your policy (with an annotation) that there’s a strong chance the employee will “hurl up” their pizza during, or after, being tasered. As such, this defeats the purpose of free food and is, generally, best avoided.

Although the janitor will need to clear up the mess after, thus justifying their wage and presence in your esteemed organisation.