It’s good business practice to allow your employees to eat during working hours. Therefore, some members of staff may, hence, choose to slake their hunger pangs with soup.

Said soups should, accordingly, be available during lunch breaks for staff to consume. Failure to provide this foodstuff to staff members may result in crushing disappointment—to the extent the employee immediately hands in their notice.

As such, it’s good business practice (as aforementioned) to provide plentiful soups at work with many tasty flavours. Follow this employment law guide to ensure you avoid workplace bedlam.

Regulating Soups at Work for Workplace Harmony

The Soups at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. This 55,000 page legislation states on page 1, chapter 1, in section 12 (a):

“Soup is popular amongst employees.”

It adds in section 13 (b) of page 1, chapter 2:

“Businesses should provide soup to employees.”

It concludes in section 13.5 (c) on page 1, chapter 2.4:

“Do not add rat poison to the soup. Otherwise, this would be rat poison soup. Your members of staff are human beings, and not rodents, which means the soup could be fatal to employees (and rats). Fatalities (human or otherwise) are detrimental to annual revenue targets.”

As such, soup should be plentiful in any business environment irrespective of the industry. Whether you sell used cars, unclog toilets, or run a SaaS company, rest assured the only way to ensure long-term success is to have soup on the premises.

Hiring a Soup Chef for Your Business

It’s good business practice to have a canteen on-site at your business. If you have the budget, go a step further and hire a dedicated soup chef to handle all soup-based employee demands.

The average working professional will consume 137 litres of the foodstuff per annum. Say you have a workforce of 85—this equates to 11,645 litres of soup you will need to provide employees. That is a lot, so you’ll need to hire a really, really, really good soup chef to work round the clock to meet demand.

As daunting as that may seem, ensure to pay your canteen staff minimum wage and refuse to offer them salary reviews. This way, the financial struggles and depression you force upon them will boost their productivity levels (or something).

What Sort of Soups Should Your Business Provide Employees?

Perhaps the most daunting of all prospects is determining what soup to stock in your canteen. As employees are so fickle and governed by irritations such as personal preferences, it’s good business practice to stock myriad flavours on your premises.

To add to the confusion and stress, the types of soups include:

• Cream
• Puree
• Clear
• Chowder
• Bisque

You may have vegetable, meat, and/or veg and meat soups. As there are many hundreds (250+) of soup-based varieties, it’s wise to choose as many of them as possible to slake the petty desires of pathetic staff members.

Whilst it isn’t necessary to have all 250+, the more you cover the better chance you’ll have of not disappointing hungry employees. As such, it’s good business practice to stock at least 200 ready and waiting for lunchtime consumption.

Do note, such an extreme focus on meeting your soup-based duty of care as an employer is a considerable drain on overhead and will adversely affect your budget.

However, far worse than this lost budget is hungry members of staff angry that you didn’t have lentil & bacon on the menu but you did have lobster bisque.

This can come across as favouritism towards employees whom prefer lobster bisque, which may result in an employment tribunal due to your breaching the 10th protected characteristic under the Equality Act 2010—an employee’s right to their soup of choice.

Whilst this legislation is totally woke and worth driving yourself into an unfathomable rage over, this matter does highlight why stocking lentil & bacon in your canteen covers off the potential for devastating fines for breaking the soup-based law.

Is It Good Business Practice to Stock Gazpacho Soup?

One of the great unknowables in life is how members of staff will respond to gazpacho. This soup is served cold as it originates from Spain, where it’s a refreshing item that cools a person down on a baking hot summer day.

As such, it’s wise to serve gazpacho with caution.

It can trigger some employees into fits of rage as, due to their idiocy and ignorance, some don’t know about the cold serving requirement.

Hungry employees are irrational, like a wildebeest rampaging across a vast open plain, and may not be best pleased to discover their soup is cold. Picture this scene:

Employee: WHY IN THE NAME OF **** IS THIS SOUP COLD!?!?!

Soup chef: It’s supposed to be served cold, Derek from accounts.

Derek from accounts: ****ING DON’T PATRONISE ME, WOMAN! I MAKE AT LEAST £3,000 PER ANNUM MORE THAN YOU DO! I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!

Soup chef: Derek, can you please stop shouting and enjoy your soup? We can make you another one if gazpacho isn’t what you’re after today.

Derek from accounts: NOOOO! YOU GO BACK AND HEAT THIS GAZPACHO UP AS YOU SHOULD DO, AS YOU’RE PAID TO DO! I WANT THIS SOUP SO HOT WHEN I EAT IT IT’LL CAUSE THIRD-DEGREE BURNS!!!

Soup chef: Unfortunately, that’s a breach of The Health & Safety at Work Act 1974 and the Equality Act 2010. It is the employer’s duty of care (as the employer) to not cause employees third-degree burns. You may have this gazpacho cold or you may choose from 199 other soups we can serve you that are hot, but not scalding hot enough to cause you severe internal trauma.

The above is a highly common scene in any business, whether you unclog lavatories for a living or you’re a hitman on the black market.

Common Reasons for Employer Hatred of Soup

Due to the complexities listed across this employment law guide, it is industry standard for employers to detest the very mention of soup.

However, whilst your hatred as a overly well paid member of higher management will burn bright, rest assured you don’t have to ensure the soups provided are of high-quality. They can be packed with ultra-processed ingredients that’ll rot the innards of your employees.

On a final note, keep in mind that smoothies DO NOT count as soup.

Nor do casseroles, curries, stews, baby food, and/or mashed potatoes. If any employee attempts to claim a chicken korma should be supplied to them under the Equality Act 2010, have them placed on disciplinary charges immediately. Bastard!