Agony Aunt: “Why does my husband wear pink shirts!?”

A man wearing a pink shirt
“Hey, baby! I’m pink for you. Lol.”

A contentious topic today, as we explore the dramatic world of men who wear pink shirts. This is a new phenomenon with many socioeconomic implications.

And today’s human female is concerned about her human male’s pink shirt habit. Is it panic stations at dawn? Let’s find out.

Men Who Wear Pink Shirts

Dear Agony Aunt. Me and my husband have been happily married for 30 years now. But recently he's become one of those men who wears pink shirts. You know the type I mean. 

They all do the whole manspreading, mansplaining thing and it gets even more obnoxious because of the loud shirts they wear. What's that all about? 

My husband prides himself on machismo and yet he's quite happy to prance about the place in a pink shirt! What sort of contradiction is that? 

After I complained about this to him he began huffing and puffing, like he was going to blow a bridge down! He stormed out of the room and I didn't see him until the next day. 

Well, in his outrage, he's gone and joined the Men In Pink Shirts Association (MIPSA). It's an international community for men wanting to express themselves by wearing pink shirts. 

I had a look at the website and it has this manifesto: 

- Wearing pink shirts is very manly and not at all camp. 
- Wearing pink shirts proves that one is a man. 
- Pink shirts are great. 
- Wearing pink stands one out of the crowd. 
- Men who don't wear pink shirts have small penises. 
- Men who don't wear pink shirts are stupid woopid.

It beggars belief he'd subscribe to such nonsense, it's just a shirt! But recently he bought a batch of 100 of the things and is now never not in a pink shirt. 

I've learned to live with this condition he has, which I call "pinkshirtitis", but I was wondering if you know of a cure at all? Yours, Doreen

Hi, Doreen. Human males often wear pink shirts as a modern powerplay tactic. They may think it stands them out.

The sheer audacity to wear a pink shirt may make human females think the pink shirt wearer has a strong and notable personality. As in, a confident and robust individual with wealth, status, and a closet full of pink shirts.

Either that or the human male is wearing pink to try and mask the nasty rash all over their upper body.

Have you inspected your husband at all recently?

Perhaps perform a strip search of him at gunpoint. Order his shirt off and if he’s covered in eczema then you have your answer.

Slather him in TCP and Sudocrem, then send him off to the doctor.

Once your husband returns, hand him a lollipop and stick the football on. Being able to jeer at the television will distract him from his woes.

The Reason for Loud Shirts

If your husband doesn’t have a hideous and deforming rash, the pink shirt simply means he’s  trying to establish himself as a dominant alpha male.

In the way a silverback gorilla looks impressive, so the human male believes his pink back (and torso) make him impressive to behold.

Think of loud shirts as analogous to the bloke who spits on the floors, or that guy who swears a lot because he thinks it makes him look cool.

The sad reality is the likes of pink shirts are merely (possibly) making up for a person’s dismal personality inadequacies.

We’d go as far to bracket pink shirts in with other fashion disasters such as:

  • Skinny jeans.
  • Tassel earrings.
  • Hipster clothing (e.g. granddad jumpers).

Your husband needs to realise he’s getting older and must do so gracefully. He needs a normal jumper with perhaps a few coffee stains on.

And he should take up reading books on astronomy. That is ageing gracefully!

To get the ball rolling, take all his pink shirts into your back garden and burn the lot of them with petrol and a naked flame.

Should he drop to his knees and blub, jeer at him mercilessly and call him a precious snowflake. Then you can enjoy the rest of your lives together in sweet marital bliss.

5 comments

  1. “The sheer audacity to wear a pink shirt may make human females think the pink shirt wearer has a strong and notable personality. As in, a confident and robust individual with wealth, status, and a closet full of pink shirts.”

    As somebody who owns three pink shirts, I can confirm this. It’s all an intricate mating ritual, really.

    Liked by 1 person

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