Each day, human females run a strange gamut of emotions ranging from generalised hysteria to whooping cough syndrome.

Human males must navigate this emotional minefield with a sense of superiority and sporadic belching. Today, we explore how to do so.

When is An Upset Girlfriend Not An Upset Girlfriend?

Dear agony aunt. My girlfriend, Desdemona, is pretty good fun to be around and in a few years I may well fall in love with her if no one better turns up. 

However, and this is a big however, she's a bit of a Maudlin Mary. If you get my drift? She gets upset a lot, but then she says she's not upset. "I'm fine!" She keeps going, even though she looks totally and distinctly NOT fine. 

And then I say, "No, Desdemona, you're obviously upset." And then she's, like, "No, I'm not upset, you bastard." And she's, like, clearly upset and not happy about something. 

So we to and fro with that for an hour or something and she's all, like, claiming she's not upset. Even though she's clearly really annoyed with me about something. And then FINALLY, after an eternity, she'll snap and have a go at me about what she's narked about. 

So far the list of annoyances with me includes:

- Me piddling on the toilet seat.
- Me having chest hair. 
- Me in general.

Just me being around her seems to trigger her off, but she says it's just because I'm "really annoying" and will "probably improve". But if I don't she'll dump me for "someone less annoying". And then she got really upset about that and I asked if she was ok, then she said she wasn't upset.

What's going on? Thanks, Clive

Hi, Clive. Desdemona sounds like she’s suffering from an ear infection. This can lead to confusion due to not being able to hear properly.

Ear infections are often caused by a mixture of the following:

• Having one or more ears.
• Having one (or more) ears becoming infected.
• Failing to realise an ear is infected.
• Eating too many sandwiches in too short a space of time.

Have you tried tried applying cold or warm compresses to her ears? Or trying naturopathic drops?

Regardless, once her ear infection alleviates she’ll be less upset.

What If It’s Not an Ear Infection?

If you’re 100% certain your girlfriend doesn’t have an ear infection, then you may have to simply face up to the harsh reality.

Your girlfriend is a pathological liar.

This may be hard to hear (no pun intended on the ear infection side), but if she’s saying “I’m fine!” to you, but she’s really not, then that’s fibbing and it’s naughty and wrong.

Worse still, by bottling up those pent up emotions she’s liable to erupt further down the line. Potentially in a psychotic fit of rage.

Ask yourself this, Clive. Do you really want to be around when your girlfriend comes at you whilst furiously wielding a copy of Cosmopolitan? WELL!?

We can assure you, being thrashed around the head with one of those things leaves some nasty emotional and physical scars.

This one is down to you, Clive. But we suggest the next time Desdemona says she’s “Fine!” then check her eardrums.

If this enrages her further, perhaps consider a divorce. All the best!