Okay, we haven’t done a Haiku Friday in TWO YEARS! And that was after hits such as Wedding Haiku Special and Haiku Friday #2. But we’re in a poetic mood again and want to dispense with lyricism.
Poetic passions is what came out! My God, right!? Flirty stuff from Professional Moron!? No, with the return of Haiku Friday we’re going on about household chores. Enjoy!
Cleaning the Toilet
I was not sure how to clean our toilet,
So I decided to go ahead and boil it,
Oh goddamn, I went and bloody well spoiled it.
Taking Out the Bins
Why, oh why, do I need to take out the bins?
It makes me think I’m some sad old has-been,
Someone should start playing for me a tiny violin.
Walking the Dog
This one time I went out with the dog,
I fell into this stinking great big bog,
Because of all the British fog.
Jesus, what the bloody hell is this stuff?
It kicks off such a great big guff!
It made my husband clear off in a huff.
Doing the Laundry
My husband’s soiled underwear is gross,
It makes me hate him in this household the most,
Perhaps it’s time to turn him into a ghost.
Going on a Manhunt for a Missing Sock
Where in the name of God is my favourite pink sock?
Is that it there partially hidden behind my fabulous smock?!
No, it’s just my husband’s… frock!
Folding and Putting Away Clothes
Putting away laundry is the best!
I love it so much I often do it while undressed!
But that leaves my neighbours quite distressed.
Inspecting Your Husband’s Soiled Underwear
My husband’s underwear is so gross,
It makes me feel all morose,
I may have to go and overdose.
Getting Confused About All the Dust
Where does all this bloody dust come from?
It makes me spend my disposable income,
On buying rum to go all numb.
Hoovering the House
Once I break out the vacuum cleaner,
The noise makes the dog meaner,
But running away in terror makes me leaner.
Gunk in the Plughole
Look at all that hair in the plughole!
I pull it out and keep it in a fancy bowl,
That way it makes my husband go out and get off the dole.
Admiring the Mildew
My husband loves to admire the mildew,
He thinks fungus is the best,
So I punch him in his stupid chest.
Doing the Ironing
When I stand there doing the ironing,
I often feel like I’m burning,
Maybe I’m supposed to take my clothes off.
Decorating my house is a lot of fun,
I do it while walking around with a loaded gun,
In case we’re burgled by a no-good homeless bum.
Setting the Table
I like my dinner table to look really neat,
And that’s why I cover it with a beautiful white sheet,
It makes me forget about my husband’s gross man feet.
Clearing the Table
After your family has eaten like gluttonous pigs,
They clear off like they don’t give two frigs,
And that’s why I secretly put in their meals twigs.
Scrubbing the Dishes
There comes a time in any woman’s life,
When you want to murder your husband with a knife,
Because he expects you to do the dishes like a housewife.
Making the Bed
How the hell do you get a sheet on a duvet?
It always really ruins my day,
I think in future we’ll just use some hay.