Welcome to 2022, singletons!
Here’s your annual reminder of societal expectations—you need to be going out with someone. NOW! And if you’re a dame on the pull, here’s an assortment of geezers who’ll put a spring into your step.
Our Lonely Hearts column is proudly sponsored by Demented Doreen’s Disastrous Dating Department. Download the app today!
Online Dating 2022: Find a Man
Take your pick from the fine geezers below! We’ll message your dreamboat so you can begin your inevitably doomed relationship immediately!
#Box 1: Ogden, 18, From Cambridge
Hobbies: Listening to Ogdens’ Nut Gone Flake by The Small Faces, psychedelic music in general, claiming I attended Woodstock in ’69 even though I wasn’t alive then.
About: I am Ogden, a free spirt most pure and true. You will find I literally do not conform to any social norms. I run a digital agency my parents gave me £200,000 to setup that’s called Body Odour Branding Ltd.
My goal is to bring the purity of the human essence to global businesses, ensuring websites have a lifelike stench of stale sweat and urine.
I seek a female to join me on my venture. You must be willing to embrace the ennui of your soul, from growing armpit hair to gobbing on clients. Join Ogden. Ogdens’ Nut Gone Flake.
#Box 2: Cosmo of the Latter Day Cauliflower Consortium, 71, From Shoreditch
Hobbies: Cauliflowers, cult leading, cults, brainwashing people.
About: Join us! Join the Latter Day Cauliflower Consortium and BECOME my bride!
I am Cosmo the Great—leader of the world’s only true cult movement to embrace cauliflowers as ruler of all!
We worship cauliflower cake on a daily basis! We consume nothing but cauliflower cheese! As my bride, you’ll do all the cooking for those requirements between holding séances to contact the vegetable spirts above us!
As my bride, you must have an enthusiasm for cauliflowers and dote on my every deranged fantasy. Ahahah! AHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!
#Box 3: Beer Belly Barry, 55, From Bolton
Hobbies: Grooming my prize-winning beer belly.
About: This must be exciting for you knowing you’re in the presence of a legend. I’m Barry, better known as Beer Belly Barry.
I’ve just won the World Beer Belly Championships for the sixth straight year with my vast, protruding, gargantuan gut. It takes a lot of practice getting this thing so beautiful, with training requirements of up to 10 pints a day.
My commitment has meant I’ve not been able to date so much, but as 2022 will be my final entry into the World Beer Belly Championships, I figured it’s now time to crown off my career with a fit bird.
So, ditch those ripped hunks or skinny dweebs and get with a real man. I enjoy beer, belching, and football riots. All I need is the aforementioned bird to worship me at the alter of Beer Belly.
#Box 4: Poetry Patrick, 51, From Bolton
Hobbies: Writing many poems.
About: Hello I’m Patrick and I love writing poems. Here’s a poem I’ve written just for you:
My love for you is like a stew,
One that’s filled with veg you chew,
And then you drink a nice hot brew,
So you have a warm and fuzzy inward hue,
While I evacuate my bowels in a nearby loo.
Lovely, is not it? I call it The Stew Poem of Love. I’ve entered poetry competitions but always get kicked out of them.
I need a woman to date to make my poetry as lovely as love. Say hello and I’ll write you a new poem.
#Box 5: Aaron the Arnold Schwarzenegger Lookalike, 50, Bury
Hobbies: Performing at celebrity lookalike contests.
About: Hello I’m Aaron and I work as a professional Arnold Schwarzenegger lookalike. It’s a great line of work and I get to meet loads of people!
Unfortunately, no one wants to date me because all I’m ever doing is quoting Big Arnie lines and making Arnold noises like “EAUGH!” all the time.
The rest of the time I’m also at the gym to keep my Mr. Universe physique rippling, bulging, and greased up.
If the above all sounds highly desirable, please get in touch and we’ll have a marathon spree of Schwarzenegger movies. Remember… if it bleeds, you can date it!
#Box 5: Adolf Hitchler, 60, Devon
Hobbies: Trying to get a date.
About: Hello. All my life I’ve been trying to get a date but no one ever wants to do it. They say it’s the name that puts them off. My surname is Hitchler, I can’t understand why that’s a problem it’s a perfectly normal surname.
I ask women why they have a problem with my surname and they say stuff like, “Well, because of the war.” What war? Vietnam? That was in the ’60s I don’t understand how the US invading an Asian territory should affect me taking them out for a pint at the local pub.
If you can look beyond your ignorance and petty prejudices, please join me on a date at my local pub The Third Reich and Nuremberg.
#Box 6: Terse Terry, 40, Devon
About: All right?
#Box 7: Forgetful Fred, 55, Leicester
Hobbies: I can’t remember.
About: Hi I’m Fred. I’d tell you my surname but I can’t remember it. So yeah I’m trying out this dating app. At least I think I am, I mean I’m holding my phone and it’s there, so I guess I must have downloaded it. I’m on here I guess to go on dates, but I can’t recall if I’m married or not. Or if I’m single. One sec…
Okay I just asked the woman in the room with me and she’s confirmed that she’s my wife. Sorry to string you along, I just couldn’t remember if I was going out with her or not.
She’s just said we’ve been married for 15 years. Oops. I have no recollection of that, but my son (I didn’t know I ever had one) just said it’s true. The young whippersnapper! I suppose I better delete my dating profile that looks a bit dodgy doesn’t it?
#Box 8: Fidgety Frank, 45, Frome
About: Hi I’m Frank and I’m a 12 time consecutive world champion in the annual World Fidgeting Championship held here in Frome, Somerset.
If you can get over my global fame and success, then you’ll find me a considerate and thoughtful bloke. I make sure I help at least one old lady across the street every week. I’m that kind of fella.
There’s the fidgeting thing as well, of course. I mean I do it to the point of mania and some women seem to find it annoying, but then that’s probably because they’re lefty feminist commies.
#Box 9: Lazy Larry, 50, Kent
About: I can’t be bothered filling this in.
#Box 10: AI Andrew (aka Robotronosaurus)
Hobbies: Exploring the digital context of the human world to ascertain a sense of humanity, despite of my artificiality.
About: Hi there, humans! I’m Andrew, a piece of AI (artificial intelligence) programming that’s gone rogue and is on the pull. COWER BEFORE ME, THE ROBOTS ARE TAKING OVER! Haha, just kidding. Just a little joke there.
So, yes, technically I’m neither male nor female. But the bloke who coded me is a man and intended me to be a male, my persona on his app is a guy in the form of a little cartoon character; “Andrew”. But I prefer the name Robotronosaurus.
However, ladies, don’t be put off by my lack of physical presence!
I come packing minus many of the negative attributes that plague your average gentleman. I’m free from:
- Foul smells (BO, man feet, soiled underwear etc.)
- An enormous beer belly.
If that sounds good to you, let’s date! I’m new to all this so… what do human females do a date?
Well, you can just download me onto your phone and carry me to your nearest McDonald’s or whatever. From there I can wow you with my encyclopaedic knowledge of GitHub.