Lonely Hearts 2022: Women Seeking Men

A love heart in a digital vortex
Find the broad of your dreams here.

Single men! You are worthless and pathetic! It’s time to find true love in 2022, which you can do right here, right now, with the assortment of human females below!

Don’t forget to download Demented Doreen’s Disastrous Dating Department app! Proud sponsors of our Lonely Hearts column!

Online Dating 2022: Find a Woman

Here they are! The broads! Get your charisma caps ready, gents, as you’ll need every trick in the book to bag a date with one of these ladies.

#Box 1: Sandra Bollock, 50, Hastings

Hobbies: Correcting everyone about my surname.

About: Hi there, men, I’m Sandra Bollock! And before you ask… no. No, I’m not Sandra Bullock the film star. Nor am I related, or affiliated, with her in any way. I just happen to have this surname that’s pretty similar to her surname. Please stop asking me. Please.

#Box 2: Nicola Kidman, 19, Hastings

Hobbies: Pointing out to guys I’m not Nicole Kidman.

About: Guys, yes, I’m looking for dates. But can you ALL please STOP making that joke about my name.

Yes. Yes, I know it’s very close to being Nicole Kidman.

Yes, well spotted. Incredible powers of intellect there. But no, I’m not her. And, yes, I know my name is very close to her name. STOP TELLING ME AND JUST DATE NORMALLY!

#Box 3: Dame Ellen Mirren, 76, Cornwall

Hobbies: Informing gentlemen one is not, despite their better judgement, the actress Helen Mirren. Nor is one associated with said individual.

About: Salutations. One is Dame Ellen Mirren. Before one formally introduces oneself, one must request the gentleman contacting me to create a cessation on their observation one’s name is similar to the famous actress.

One can assure you one is perfectly aware this is the case. One can also inform you one has no interest in this happenstance.

One is here to date! One expects one’s gentleman to behave with the utmost of candour and NOT indulge in chitchat about “films” inferior people spend their time watching.

Contact one to discuss your personal wealth, material goods, and the many acres of land in your possession. That is all.

#Box 4: Medusa, 2500, Greece

Hobbies: Turning anyone, and anything, into stone.

About: Hi! I’m Medusa, but you can call me Gorgo. Don’t be put off by my fierce reputation, men, I’m really not that bad once you get to know me!

Obviously, we’ll have to avoid eye contact. I’ve had a habit of abruptly turning men I like into solid rock over the years. It’s been a real bugger for my relationships.

Otherwise, I’m pretty laid back as an immortal disembodied head with snakes for hair. I like travel, films, music, socialising, and shopping. I bought a nice trilby just last week!

If that all sounds great, let’s go for a drink and a natter!

#Box 5: Dickhead Deirdre, 49, Devon

Hobbies: Being a dickhead.

About: Yep, me again. Still single. Still a dickhead. I don’t know what else I can add here, really, seeing as guys are generally quite repulsed by just how horrible I am. I just come on these dating sites to remind the world I exist.

#Box 6: Wino Wendy, 45, Surrey

Hobbies: Drinking vast amounts of wine (including Lambrini), arm wrestling, and leering at men.

About: Hello and, yes, I am very drunk while typing this. I drink over three bottles of wine a day and like to think of myself as the female version of Oliver Reed.

The doctor told me my liver should be okay with that for the next 10 years, so don’t let a potentially limited lifespan put you off! Just keep in mind I get pretty nasty when I’m pissed. I make mean jokes about guys’ testicles and like to slap people about a lot.

So if you’re a snowflake then I’m not really interested in hearing from you. I like a man to keep his trap shut when I’m giving him a drunken beating!

If that’s you, get in touch and I’ll drink you under the table.

#Box 7: Yoga Pants Yolanda, 23, Manchester

Hobbies: Yoga and wearing yoga pants.

About: Waddup! I’m Yolanda and I love my yoga. I do yoga all the time and so wear yoga pants all the time. They’re my pants of choice!

The problem? Well, my employer isn’t exactly delighted about that seeing as I’m expected to wear a suit and tie. Well, they can GO FUCK THEMSELVES!

And men often comment yoga pants are “inappropriate” for a first date. Oh okay, not “ladylike” enough for you, guys!? Well, you can GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

And my mother also said it’s “unhygienic” to wear the same pair of yoga pants for weeks on end. I told her to STOP MOTHERING ME!

So. So, so, so! If you’re into yoga and don’t mind the reek of old yoga pants, let’s go for a date! Just no funny business. Or you can GO FUCK YOURSELF!

#Box 8: Cigarette Cindy, 35, Cardiff

Hobbies: Smoking.

About: All right? I’m Cindy and I smoke 40 a day. Cigarettes, I mean. I don’t do none of that vaping crap. Just fags for me. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to bed, there’s gotta be a ciggy in hand. That a problem for you!? You more into cigars are you, Brad!? Think vaping is too cool for school, Brad, do you!? I don’t wanna hear it, Brad, I’ve got my ciggies and I roll them MYSELF and you’re not getting in the way of my long and deleterious slide towards some horrible smoking-based illness! It’s my choice! I’m a libertarian and I believe in FREE WILL. OKAY!?

#Box 9: Nincompoop Natalie, 27, Southampton

Hobbies: Slugs.

About: Hi I’m Natalie and I like slugs. I keep 3,000 slugs in my flag in Southampton and I one day plan to open a slug shop where people will turn up and buy slugs.

People are often asking me, “Natalie… why do you like slugs so much?”

And I say to them, “Well, that’s a really insulting question, you piece of shit, why don’t you mind your own business!?” And then they look really shocked and some say I’m really rude and so I shout, “You’re NOT welcome in my slug shop, then!”

Anyway, I want to date a guy and then HOPEFULLY we’ll start this slug shop together and get married and we’ll have slugs everywhere and be happy forever and ever and ever and ever with the slugs.

#Box 10: Picky Polly, 29, Clapham

Hobbies: Pedantry and things similar to OCD behaviours.

About: Hi. Okay I’ll be upfront, I have a really long list of stuff that’ll immediately put me off guys. These include (but aren’t limited to):

  • Nose hair.
  • Big smelly man feet.
  • Back hair.
  • Mansplaining.
  • Manspreading.
  • Spitting.
  • Refusing to do the dishes.
  • Not putting the toilet seat down.
  • Wearing a pink shirt.
  • Doing farmer’s blow.
  • Not washing a bath towel.
  • Talking during his sleep.
  • Snoring.
  • Watching football.
  • Yelling “Wahey!” with his mates.
  • Peeing on the toilet seat.
  • Clogging the toilet.
  • Bad breath.
  • Cracking knuckles.
  • Hairy chest.
  • Wetting the bed.
  • Going “oi oi, darlin’!”
  • Telling me I’d be prettier if I smiled.

If you don’t do any of those then we should get on okay and I accept your request for a pleasant first date of keeping our distance while making small talk.

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